company's okay, solitude is bliss.

This is what I want:

1.) to live in an area with AMAZING forests. AMAZINGLY tall trees....and plentiful rain. (Pacific Northwest??)
2.) to forever clop around in said forests in a pair of Hunter wellies.
3.) to NEVER wear a stitch of makeup again.
4.) to let my hair grow out into a massive red afro.
5.) to learn how to, and then to expertly execute, growing my own food.
6.) to have a shepherd dog named "Toomie" as my constant companion.
7.) get my associates in Botany/Ecology
8.) after getting my associates, get into either Evergreen State College or NOLS.

...........ugh, that's all I know for sure at this moment.


Also: I have to get a new bike and stop riding the bus; the scenery is getting entirely too depressing for me to endure.

xoxo

can't stand to stand, can't stand to sit.

I wish my biggest problem today were the fact that my computer has somehow zoomed out on all screens rendering every website virtually impossible to see/read. I wish....

I cannot sit still. I cannot fixate my attention on anything. I am completely insatiable. Tearing my hair out with boredom when there are, literally, one-hundred things to do. Nothing is good enough. Nothing is exciting, interesting, delicious enough. What am I supposed to do? I cannot force the tears to come. If they won't, they won't. Nothing will come...tears, orgasms, fullness ( in all its forms...food, intellect, spiritually). Everything I am taking in, I feel like spitting back out. Even in my dreams, I am constantly searching out something. I had a dream last night that I was angrily searching the internet for satisfying pornography. I have a reoccurring one where James is carrying me about like I am a child, on his hip. I'm crawling over his shoulder, looking about, searching around, refusing to look at his face. I am forever looking beyond him, but I am attached to him. I ate so much today and never felt full. Nothing is clean enough. I am distressed over one piece of fuzz on my bed. I am distressed over one spot on the counter.

It rained all day. As I walked around town, I tried to close my eyes and convince myself that I was alone, in the woods, listening to the rain fall through the trees and onto the forest floor. From the canopy to the floor...canopy to floor. Then, a horn would honk, and I knew I was back. I was never there in the first place. My heart would sink to my knees.

I am always in love with everything and constantly heartbroken.